5:47 a.m. - 2013-09-27
Starting again here .,. Saying good bye to R.
So today is the first day writing again in years. I had a friend who I have now annoyed to no end writing emails and I needed to stop that pattern so I am writing here instead. I remember when I started writing here and the years of ups and downs mostly problems I tried to figure out and generally feelings often kind of extremes. But now I just want to change my behaviour patterns and this seemed like a better option then some of the things I have been doing. I need to stop trying to get his attention and instead start investing better in my own life. So R. I need to start leaving you alone mor and stop being such a pain. R. is a friend of ours from England who for some stupid reason I ended up with a crush on for a variety of reasons. Iet him through S. who I live with. T. Is great but I need to move on as I am really writing him trying hard to process my own emotions. I can do that privately here I think rather then being a bug.

So.... Investing in going back to my own life. The grass always seems to look greener on the other side so the saying goes. S. I have tiold about my feelings and he said you are better off to talk to R. about facts rather then feelings he will like it better. S. gave me an example of the kind of email he wrote R. after R. left. I was struggling with my feelings for R. in part because I felt really alive when he was here, laughing and happy. I ended up in tears the morning of the day he was to leave. He didn't end up leaving but did the next evening when we drove him to his sisters where he was the next morning heading to Toronto on the train then into Ittawa. Then he stayed over at his brothers and then took a train the next morning heading to Montresl then it went into New York City. He apparently visited his aunt and cousin and then two days later he flew out to Holland. He arrived in Holland yesterday and would then be going onto London, England and should be there on the next few days as his plan was to bike back. All the wired emails I have sent will have him thinking I am just plain nuts. I have ended up in tears a few days running since he left. I can't keep doing this it is time to get back on track emotionally, stop being a basket case and start trying to go back to enjoyingy life as it is here rather then wishing to be somewhere else. S

Today I am going to visit my friend Rosr. I hope she doesn't just cancel as she often does this to me... Most of the time I am to see her actually.... So will see. I don't need her to go it to me today though! Anyways off to the city this morning after dropping off S. at work. Right now I need to get dressed to get ready though as the morning early goes fast then out the door. I will like it better when Stefe gets through working this weekend and mornings go back to not so early for a few days again. Looking forward to not writing R. This morning as I am not sure he even reads them all there are so many... Too many and its not a healthy pattern on my end at all and almost abusive in not letting him go... Both for me and for him. Have a good day diary.

Anyways Good morning and welcome day one

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