Constant Criticisms.....I don't need them they impact my happiness in negative ways
6:07 a.m. - 2008-09-04

I started a little plant collection in the livingroom and it has grown a bit as I added a few new bigger plants yesterday. John commented last night "well you do realize that this is your newest addiction".

I thought FUCK OFF. They are plants.

What is his newest addition...well he has his own apartment in Stratford. Scott just served me with court papers for custody two days ago. When asked if John was going to come with me to court to support me he said "will see". And then the one thing in my life that I happen to now be enjoying adding a few plants to care for in my home so that I can try to stop being depressed he then makes negative comments about and takes all of joy out of my newest interest. Is he paying for a lawyer to help me? NO. Do I have the money to pay for a lawyer? NO. Is he helping pay what will become the $780 per month in Child support having given my kids away? NO. Is anyone going after him for Child Support? NO

LEAVE ME AND MY NEW FUCKING PLANTS ALONE. Better still get out of my life because even when I try to make the least little steps towards being happy I am somehow not suppose to be.

The plants are not new pets, they are not new lovers, they are not drugs, alcohol or cigarettes. They are not over eating or being addicted to the computer. They are not the new baby I wanted in my life that he made sure we have never been able to have. THEY ARE PLANTS FOR GOD SAKES....

:( Sometimes I hate me life. Even the smallest joys he takes apart. :( What interest could I ever take up that won't bug him.... oh and he wants me to get rid of my dog. I can have the one he likes MAYBE if it does not have accidents in "HIS" apartment. But this is only to ensure I can't care for both and that the one he doesn't like will go.

News flash..... GET OUT OF MY LIFE AND STOP HURTING ME ALL THE TIME. If I want my house filled with plants, pets, goldfish or ANYTHING ELSE I WANT TO OWN. I HAVE A RIGHT TO DO THAT. The sooner he figures out that not coming back is the best option for me so I can have my life, learn how to be happier and stop being ignored, criticsed, lectured or treated badly. The sooner that I can find out that not being loved and wishing I was and having that whole cycle finally end. THE BETTER OFF I WILL FINALLY BE. John does not know what love is. But he knows damn well how to take me apart mentally and ruin my life. And he has and he is still trying to.

I wish he would just go...and keep going.

C.

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