trying to cope and failing
3:33 a.m. - 2008-09-01

It is the middle of the night and I slept on the couch last night because going to bed seemed to be hard to do. I woke up at 3 am..thought a bit and started into tears. I thought about the kids and got up and put lables on the laptops with notes to each of them. Jonathan said he could fix my brand new one as it does not seem to work as well as it should given it is brand new. Jen can use the second one and will be good with that. Most of the stuff other then the pets in the house doesn't really make any difference it is all just meaningless nice stuff I have collected. I hope someone will enjoy my new plant collection as I really was starting to like them.

I see no hope in the future and nothing but continuing sorrow and pain. John does not care and will walk away soon as he has said that he not longer knows what to do and cannot/will not move home to give me what I what. He breaks my heart and he is so strong willed that he does not care about me or my feelings or how deeply he continues to hurt me. I have started to withdraw from him and the kids and he commented on that...alot of it has to do with the grief and depth of depression and despair I am feeling that I don't want to share with them. John sees it and makes it worse. Jen sees it and it makes her worse. No one I talk to believes John will ever come home. He says given time he may but no time line, no promises, no shared dreams and he is going on with building his own life. When I cry he gets angry and frustrated telling me I have to "Damn well accept what he is offering or he will leave"......these statements are not loving they are even more deeply hurtful and I have tried to stop talking to him about anything because in the end I sink deeper into depression.

I need to contact my doctor. The meds I am on for anxiety work but they can't touch the grief stuff and I need to be on anti-depresents. When John finds out he has already said he will leave me. The choice is making that call for meds and asking family to keep a good eye on me until they get into my system or they will end up burying me from my grief that I can't handle. I know I need to talk to someone and John is not going to know that I am going on these meds because he will walk away and I have no choice I do now need them to cope as I am not go and I can't stop bursting into tears over and over again. I will try to talk to my mom again today.....she will say to leave John and I will tell her right off that is not an option so STOP IT...just get me the help I need so that I can be ok in time and move on.

I have tried to move away from the grief some and sometimes I am good at it. Yesterday morning I went to my new house and had a bubble bath, a couple of hot chocolate, listened to the radio and wrote my sermon. Unfortunately when I have John and his stuff and the stuff that will then leave leaving vacent spaces in my home here I can't escape the loneliness to the point that I break down. I have not been myself for weeks now. I have tried to add those positive things to my life but I can't make the Stratford apartment and my nightmare go away or end and in the end it is destroying me. I have prayed for those who want to know that and I am still heartbroken in tears and seeing no end to any of this...well one. I am trying to avoid that one though the past couple of days it has become the only answer to end the depth of pain.

please pray for us......I need this nightmare in my life to end.

C.

before | after